So I hold here in my hand an iPhone with about 100 entries in my "Notes" app. I've been writing in it while I'm on the go since about October 2011, junior year. I think I'm going to post a handful of these just to show y'all how far I've come.
"Having a relationship with God doesn't last if you just sit back and do as you please. Just like a human relationship, you have to be faithful and work at it." November 16, 2011
"Do not be afraid, just have faith.
Lord, give me the courage I need to be faithful to you. Let my love for you and for other people be so great that my fears will never be able to keep me from doing what is right.
In all these things, I know that I am never alone because you, God, conquered sin, despair, and even death through your endless love, a love that showed itself through Your Son. I am convinced, Lord, that nothing will ever separate me from Your love." November 28, 2011
I write songs as well. Well....more like poems that I can never decide on a tune for. I know I don't have a talent for this, so bare with me.
"You are the reason for every star
The sun and moon reflect Your glory
I'll look above and see where You are
Each burst of cloud tells Your story
Why do I even complain
How great Your mighty and name
You're the only light I'll ever need
I stay up late and read
The great wonders of Your name" January 10, 2011
A lot of hard things happened after this.
"You brought me out of darkness
My pain was too much to bare
Everywhere I looked
I never saw You there
My mind was far too scattered
Your Word was never read
I called myself Your daughter
But this is what You said
(chorus)
My child, you are not alone
I know your hectic life
Read My Word and realize
It'll take away your strife
I'll heal your broken heart
And sooth your worried mind
It doesn't matter if you're despised
I find you one of a kind
You're my God who conquers all
And I've seen all You works
Somehow I keep doubting
But I'll still praise You when it hurts
Crying out for attention
I seek a man with much charm
But when I feel my heart broken
I find myself in Your arms
You say,
(chorus)
You're always there
You'll never leave
You always care
I'll just have to see
That I am not alone
You know my hectic life
I'll read Your Word and realize
It'll take away my strife
You'll heal my broken heart
And sooth my worried mind
It doesn't matter if I'm despised
You find me one of a kind" February 26, 2012
"Inadequate
Unworthy
Hypocrite
Unwanted
Taken for granted
Depressed
Fake
Angry
Lack of motivation
Worthless
Undesirable
Unattractive" April 19, 2012
"Take me, God. Use me. I want to be Your blank canvas. I want to know what You have in store for me. Don't hold back. Use all of Your power to change me and move me. I want to feel renewed and whole again." July 18, 2012
"What if what I think is great is great, but it's not as great as something greater?" August 10, 2012
"Humility. If you don't have it, you're gonna get it." February 19, 2013
"Feeling worthless. Am I not enough for guys? Am I just some hideous beast? When I date a guy, the relationship lasts for way less than I wanted and when I try to talk to a guy, he doesn't answer. I just feel so awkward and creepy and ugly and worthless" May 12, 2013
(Honduras happened)
I went on to list qualities I wanted in friends and in a guy and I've stuck to those standards.
"There's nothing more we need than a clear word of God for our souls.
Changed lives are attractive to a lost world.
Repentance is always good news.
Salvation is incredibly and intimately personal." July 28, 2013
I wrote a post in April 2012 about all the things I thought about myself. I've decided to write a new post doing the same thing.
"Beautiful
Child of God
Awkward
Motivated
Persistent
Hopeful
Trustworthy
Not perfect" October 6, 2013
Sunday, October 6, 2013
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
It's A God Thing
How do I even describe college? One thing is for sure... it's nothing like how people said it would be. In some sense, it is. It's really fun and you meet so many people and it's infinity times better than high school. Everyone knows that! But they don't tell you how hard your freshman year is.
The first day of school, I was completely humbled. In high school, I was one of the best in my choir. I wasn't cocky about it. I honestly don't think I'm that amazing. But I did know I could do well if I tried. So the first day of college, I was completely overwhelmed by my classes and I ended up texting my sister frantically and she came and found me. She's a senior flute performance major so she knows how overwhelming it can be. We went into a practice room and I had a melt down. My sister said "What does your ring say?" I had showed her it when I had gotten it earlier in the summer. It is a ring with Philippians 4:6 engraved in it.
"Do not be anxious about anything. But in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Philippians 4:6
My paraphrase: Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything.
It's my all time favorite verse. It was a slap in the face from God. Here I was, bawling my eyes out because I was so used to being great and now I was the lowest of the low, and I didn't even think to talk to God about it. I made it all about myself.
I've been learning everyday to talk to God about all of my problems, triumphs, failures, annoyances, everything. It's a huge blessing to have such a personal God.
My best friend since 7th grade decided to go to Missouri State and my other best friend is still a senior in high school. So I went into college not knowing anyone. All alone. I'm not the best with dealing with my insecurities, and my friends really help with that. You can imagine how I am when I don't have friends.
I had NO idea how to make new friends since I haven't had to for 5 years. I don't know how to handle the "getting to know each other" stage of a friendship. I just know acquaintances and best friends. So that was really tough. I hung out with so many people, and went to a hundred different events hoping to find someone I could connect with.
My problem wasn't finding friends in general. I had a handful of guy friends, but no girl friends. I am so much better at befriending guys, since I tend to act like one. But let's be real, you can't talk to a guy the way you can talk to a girl. It's just different.
So I dealt with having just guy friends. And it really sucked. I went to my usual worship services and YoungLife events, trying to seek God in the middle of this loneliness. I was comforted, but not as much as I wanted to be. I'm not a crier, but I cried a lot. No one is meant to feel lonely. Everyone should have somebody.
I felt annoying, unattractive, and dumb. Anytime I'd try to talk to someone, I'd turn into this awkward mess and it'd be a train wreck. I had plenty of people surrounding me with love because of YoungLife, but none of them actually knew how I was feeling. I don't share my personal feelings very often. About a week ago, I went to my small group and everyone was so happy and cheerful, but I just felt this overwhelming burden on myself. It was a physical feeling of my heart weighing down in my chest. I couldn't get it to go away. Some of the girls asked if I was okay, if I was tired, the whole bit. I shrugged it off and said I was tired. I knew if I said anything, I'd break down. And Lord knows that's not acceptable (I'm ridiculous and hate feeling vulnerable). I went home and cried a lot.
I have this nasty habit that a lot of other Christians have trouble overcoming. I love reading the Bible, but I never actually do it. I do when I'm at bible studies, church, worship services, etc., but never on my own time. That's the most important part of your relationship with God. So I blame my laziness for most of my problems. It's all me.
This weekend was probably one of the best weekends I've had in a long time. I had met a girl through a U of A twitter account who was also into YoungLife and missions, but I didn't really feel a connection when we hang out. Let me just share with you a revelation I had.
You don't always connect with people automatically. Sometimes you have to decide to make an effort.
So that's what I did. I texted her and said something along the lines of "I don't know about you, but I really need a girl friend. We should hang out more." She replied with "Yes please." That's a God thing. She needed a girl friend just as much as I did (well...maybe not quite as much.)
We started hanging out more and I loved it. She's funny and sincere and a real joy to be around. My favorite part about her? She isn't a partier. I am the complete opposite of a party girl. I've never even been to that kind of party before. And I don't want to.
On Friday, we went to Encounter together. Encounter is an awesome worship session at the Fayetteville Prayer Room. Worshiping and praying with people are my favorite ways to get to know someone.
On Saturday, I legitimately slept my entire day away. I slept until 7 pm. I was just so upset that I didn't have a best friend. I was being pathetic. I obviously could fix it if I really tried.
On Sunday, I picked her up and we went to YoungLife Leadership Training and I learned a lot. Notes all over my guide, let me tell ya. I love those kinds of discussions. The ones where you don't talk because you're so busy writing. I was dropping her off at her dorm but I decided to go in. There was an event going on and I stayed for that. It was so much fun! Afterward, we were going to my car to get her backpack, but instead of getting it and leaving, she sat down and started telling me part of her testimony. I was taken back, but it was really refreshing. It was about 10 minutes later and I asked her if she wanted to go to Mt. Sequoyah since she had never been. It was an automatic yes. So we drove over there and she continued to tell me the story. It was amazing. There's nothing I love more than listening to peoples' life experiences.
Once we got to Mt. Sequoyah, our deep conversation died down and we just took in the beauty of the overlook of Fayetteville. We heard some people slow down and say "Whoa! Look at that! Let's stop!" First timers. :) It's always cool to watch people experience it for the first time. There was a guy and a girl. They came and sat down and we started talking to them! I live off campus, so I am not used to becoming friends with people instantly, but this is definitely what it was. The guy was into photography, so we went on and on about that, and the girl was a Kappa, just like my friend. It was the perfect situation. I really do think that this was a God thing. The whole weekend was. It was the perfect answer to my month long of prayer.
After we left, I had planned on just taking Mollie back to her dorm, but she started yelling, "Hey, (random name)" to random people out the window. If you've never done this before, I advise you to. It's one of my most favorite past times. People get so confused! We drove around campus for a while doing that, and yelling lyrics to songs on the radio. It was the most fun I had had that entire month. Eventually, I dropped her off, and when I got home, my entire being was smiling.
I had the awesome privilege of getting to hang out with my high school YoungLife leader for the first time since early summer on Monday. We talked about everything and I caught her up on so many things in my life. She's a serious blessing and such a wise woman of God. She will always have a piece of my heart.
I wanted to go to my small group later that night, but I couldn't because of a huge amount of homework I had for a class. That class was cancelled 10 minutes after I texted to say I wouldn't be coming. Once again. God thing.
I went and we talked about Genesis 1-2 but it got really deep and we started going through other books as well. It was completely perfect. I can't describe to you how much I needed it. And how much I wanted it. I'll attach some of the stuff I scribbled in my Bible during it. I'm a huge believer in marking all over Bibles. Because then when you go back, you experience what God spoke to you all over again!
Each verse is in here for a reason.
God is personal.
He has a plan. For each of us!
He knows EVERYTHING.
He's planned our entire lives out.
One year for us is like a speck of dust to Him.
Our lives will NEVER be perfect. Because we are sinners.
Take bad times as a blessing because God is protecting you from so much more.
He created plants and animals for us to eat. He created everything for US! He died on the cross for US. What other God would do that??
We don't know everything about creation and God because God doesn't want us to. He is all-knowing and all-powerful. NOT US! We don't know everything, and that's why we have faith!
(Hebrews 11:1 says "What is faith? It is the confident assurance that what we hope for is going to happen. IT is the evidence of things we cannot yet see.)
God made galaxies, millions of animals, plants, everything. But he made it all for Adam and Eve. THE WORLD IS FOR US!
If you have time, I really encourage you to watch these videos.
Whatever you're going through, God's got it and you're going to be okay. I promise. He's the most loving, personal God and He cares about you SO much. Read about all that he's done in the Bible and you'll realize that your problem is so easy for Him to fix. You can overcome this with the power of our Almighty God. :)
I've always wanted to be in love with God the way that I can feel about a guy. And I can honestly say that I feel that way now. But it's even stronger. He's so faithful and amazing. I can't get enough of His love!!
I'll leave you with a picture that hit home when I saw it. I hope you'll feel as convicted as I did. He loves you more than you know.
The first day of school, I was completely humbled. In high school, I was one of the best in my choir. I wasn't cocky about it. I honestly don't think I'm that amazing. But I did know I could do well if I tried. So the first day of college, I was completely overwhelmed by my classes and I ended up texting my sister frantically and she came and found me. She's a senior flute performance major so she knows how overwhelming it can be. We went into a practice room and I had a melt down. My sister said "What does your ring say?" I had showed her it when I had gotten it earlier in the summer. It is a ring with Philippians 4:6 engraved in it.
"Do not be anxious about anything. But in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Philippians 4:6
My paraphrase: Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything.
It's my all time favorite verse. It was a slap in the face from God. Here I was, bawling my eyes out because I was so used to being great and now I was the lowest of the low, and I didn't even think to talk to God about it. I made it all about myself.
I've been learning everyday to talk to God about all of my problems, triumphs, failures, annoyances, everything. It's a huge blessing to have such a personal God.
My best friend since 7th grade decided to go to Missouri State and my other best friend is still a senior in high school. So I went into college not knowing anyone. All alone. I'm not the best with dealing with my insecurities, and my friends really help with that. You can imagine how I am when I don't have friends.
I had NO idea how to make new friends since I haven't had to for 5 years. I don't know how to handle the "getting to know each other" stage of a friendship. I just know acquaintances and best friends. So that was really tough. I hung out with so many people, and went to a hundred different events hoping to find someone I could connect with.
My problem wasn't finding friends in general. I had a handful of guy friends, but no girl friends. I am so much better at befriending guys, since I tend to act like one. But let's be real, you can't talk to a guy the way you can talk to a girl. It's just different.
So I dealt with having just guy friends. And it really sucked. I went to my usual worship services and YoungLife events, trying to seek God in the middle of this loneliness. I was comforted, but not as much as I wanted to be. I'm not a crier, but I cried a lot. No one is meant to feel lonely. Everyone should have somebody.
I felt annoying, unattractive, and dumb. Anytime I'd try to talk to someone, I'd turn into this awkward mess and it'd be a train wreck. I had plenty of people surrounding me with love because of YoungLife, but none of them actually knew how I was feeling. I don't share my personal feelings very often. About a week ago, I went to my small group and everyone was so happy and cheerful, but I just felt this overwhelming burden on myself. It was a physical feeling of my heart weighing down in my chest. I couldn't get it to go away. Some of the girls asked if I was okay, if I was tired, the whole bit. I shrugged it off and said I was tired. I knew if I said anything, I'd break down. And Lord knows that's not acceptable (I'm ridiculous and hate feeling vulnerable). I went home and cried a lot.
I have this nasty habit that a lot of other Christians have trouble overcoming. I love reading the Bible, but I never actually do it. I do when I'm at bible studies, church, worship services, etc., but never on my own time. That's the most important part of your relationship with God. So I blame my laziness for most of my problems. It's all me.
This weekend was probably one of the best weekends I've had in a long time. I had met a girl through a U of A twitter account who was also into YoungLife and missions, but I didn't really feel a connection when we hang out. Let me just share with you a revelation I had.
You don't always connect with people automatically. Sometimes you have to decide to make an effort.
So that's what I did. I texted her and said something along the lines of "I don't know about you, but I really need a girl friend. We should hang out more." She replied with "Yes please." That's a God thing. She needed a girl friend just as much as I did (well...maybe not quite as much.)
We started hanging out more and I loved it. She's funny and sincere and a real joy to be around. My favorite part about her? She isn't a partier. I am the complete opposite of a party girl. I've never even been to that kind of party before. And I don't want to.
On Friday, we went to Encounter together. Encounter is an awesome worship session at the Fayetteville Prayer Room. Worshiping and praying with people are my favorite ways to get to know someone.
On Saturday, I legitimately slept my entire day away. I slept until 7 pm. I was just so upset that I didn't have a best friend. I was being pathetic. I obviously could fix it if I really tried.
On Sunday, I picked her up and we went to YoungLife Leadership Training and I learned a lot. Notes all over my guide, let me tell ya. I love those kinds of discussions. The ones where you don't talk because you're so busy writing. I was dropping her off at her dorm but I decided to go in. There was an event going on and I stayed for that. It was so much fun! Afterward, we were going to my car to get her backpack, but instead of getting it and leaving, she sat down and started telling me part of her testimony. I was taken back, but it was really refreshing. It was about 10 minutes later and I asked her if she wanted to go to Mt. Sequoyah since she had never been. It was an automatic yes. So we drove over there and she continued to tell me the story. It was amazing. There's nothing I love more than listening to peoples' life experiences.
Once we got to Mt. Sequoyah, our deep conversation died down and we just took in the beauty of the overlook of Fayetteville. We heard some people slow down and say "Whoa! Look at that! Let's stop!" First timers. :) It's always cool to watch people experience it for the first time. There was a guy and a girl. They came and sat down and we started talking to them! I live off campus, so I am not used to becoming friends with people instantly, but this is definitely what it was. The guy was into photography, so we went on and on about that, and the girl was a Kappa, just like my friend. It was the perfect situation. I really do think that this was a God thing. The whole weekend was. It was the perfect answer to my month long of prayer.
After we left, I had planned on just taking Mollie back to her dorm, but she started yelling, "Hey, (random name)" to random people out the window. If you've never done this before, I advise you to. It's one of my most favorite past times. People get so confused! We drove around campus for a while doing that, and yelling lyrics to songs on the radio. It was the most fun I had had that entire month. Eventually, I dropped her off, and when I got home, my entire being was smiling.
I had the awesome privilege of getting to hang out with my high school YoungLife leader for the first time since early summer on Monday. We talked about everything and I caught her up on so many things in my life. She's a serious blessing and such a wise woman of God. She will always have a piece of my heart.
I wanted to go to my small group later that night, but I couldn't because of a huge amount of homework I had for a class. That class was cancelled 10 minutes after I texted to say I wouldn't be coming. Once again. God thing.
I went and we talked about Genesis 1-2 but it got really deep and we started going through other books as well. It was completely perfect. I can't describe to you how much I needed it. And how much I wanted it. I'll attach some of the stuff I scribbled in my Bible during it. I'm a huge believer in marking all over Bibles. Because then when you go back, you experience what God spoke to you all over again!
Each verse is in here for a reason.
God is personal.
He has a plan. For each of us!
He knows EVERYTHING.
He's planned our entire lives out.
One year for us is like a speck of dust to Him.
Our lives will NEVER be perfect. Because we are sinners.
Take bad times as a blessing because God is protecting you from so much more.
He created plants and animals for us to eat. He created everything for US! He died on the cross for US. What other God would do that??
We don't know everything about creation and God because God doesn't want us to. He is all-knowing and all-powerful. NOT US! We don't know everything, and that's why we have faith!
(Hebrews 11:1 says "What is faith? It is the confident assurance that what we hope for is going to happen. IT is the evidence of things we cannot yet see.)
God made galaxies, millions of animals, plants, everything. But he made it all for Adam and Eve. THE WORLD IS FOR US!
If you have time, I really encourage you to watch these videos.
Isn't this incredible??
Isn't this even more incredible? God's love for us is unfathomable. He's INCREDIBLE.
I'm not even close to sorry for how long this blog post is. It needs to be said.Whatever you're going through, God's got it and you're going to be okay. I promise. He's the most loving, personal God and He cares about you SO much. Read about all that he's done in the Bible and you'll realize that your problem is so easy for Him to fix. You can overcome this with the power of our Almighty God. :)
I've always wanted to be in love with God the way that I can feel about a guy. And I can honestly say that I feel that way now. But it's even stronger. He's so faithful and amazing. I can't get enough of His love!!
I'll leave you with a picture that hit home when I saw it. I hope you'll feel as convicted as I did. He loves you more than you know.
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