I'm a really complicated person. I'm a mix between an introvert and an extrovert. I get super excited when I make plans to hang out with people, yet I could spend hours reading (Oh wait that's how I spent half of this week...). I go through weird phases where I either like my appearance or I constantly put myself down. I used to have a huge problem with my personality. I was embarrassed at my quirkiness and my lack of sophistication. I've finally gotten used to myself. All it took was finding friends who appreciated me exactly how I am.
Tonight, I was painting my face in preparation for a night out with some friends. I, like any other girl, have a love-hate relationship with makeup. Okay, mostly hate. It's awful. It's expensive, complicated to apply, and there's a fine line between natural and cake-face. Yet I still use it. Now, I am not someone who has to wear makeup. Often, I leave with not even ChapStick on (Note to Self: wear ChapStick). It's the last thing on my mind, especially during the school year. But it's a nice confidence booster! Back to the story...
I noticed yet another stress zit that was not there this morning. And wow was it awful. I'm talking three-coats-of-concealer, oh-great-now-its-just-a-gigantic-flesh-colored-bump-now awful. I always get them on or around my chin. So anytime I smile, everyone sees it. I smile a lot. Especially around new people. Anyway, I finished applying my makeup, complete with the powder that's a shade too dark for me (ghost problems...). I wore a huge sweater and scarf (no one knows I'm skinny. I love it! Shock and awe when I actually wear my size clothes) and my signature nubuck shoes and dark wash skinny jeans. Mix and match colors and you've legitimately pictured my entire wardrobe. I don't know, I just love to not have to take forever to decide on what I want . I'm one of those people who orders the same thing every time I buy food. I'm the same with clothes. That's just how I am. Anyway, I felt pretty good about my appearance.
We went to a restaurant, bowling, and a coffee shop. When we got to the coffee shop, it was packed and I just sort of retreated into my introvert shell, done with socializing for the evening. I get lost in my thoughts a lot. I'm sort of like Walter Mitty, except a girl.
I was in a huge group, most of them were strangers to me. Out of nowhere, a girl says to me, "I love your style!" I said "Thanks!" in that higher pitched voice I always unknowingly use with people I don't know. She went on to say, "You seem so comfortable with yourself!" I didn't really know what to say. I am always taken aback by real, sincere compliments. So I said "Thank you!" with a signature Claudia face (think Kermit the Frog when he's puzzled). It really sunk deep though. I thought about her words in the depths of my introvert-shell and realized she was right. A complete stranger told me something about myself that I had yet to realize! (I see You, God. I see You.)
I got back to my dorm room and read the rest of my book, like the nerd that I am. I always feel weird after I finish an awesome book. Like, how will I go on with my life? That story was 100 times better than my entire life and probably thoughts combined! So, I was in that weird state as I tidied up my room and got ready for bed. I was putting on my pajamas when I realized something. I'm in awesome shape. I have awesome runner legs. I have a fairly flat stomach. I have muffins, but I like them. Usually. I went over to the sink to take off my makeup. I looked in the mirror before I did and saw beauty. That's a rare sight to see. But not the type of "wow look at how hot she looks" beauty. True beauty. Like Christ shining through me. It was weird and crazy and awesome. I shook it off, feeling vain. I took off my makeup and looked again. But this time, I felt no different. I saw the same true beauty. Stress zits, heavy eye bags, and all. Now that is a rare sight to see.
And now as always, this is where I end my post with a ridiculous summary of what I meant to say in the first place.
I realized a lot about myself tonight.
1. I'm a really laid back, quiet person. I'd rather hear what others have to say than have others hear about me.
2. I love myself. I'm actually really cool (Well, at least I think I am). By cool I mean, weird, quirky, odd, strange. Along those lines. It's my favorite thing about myself.
3. I'm not fat and I am perfect just the way I am.
4. Everyone has zits and I'm no exception, no matter how clear my complexion is.
5. I love love love making others happy. I feed off that happiness. By making them happy, I make myself happy.
In conclusion, there's a huge difference between loving yourself and being in love with yourself. I think I finally have figured it out! And it's a wonderful feeling.
You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you.
You are absolutely beautiful, my darling, with no imperfection in you.
You are altogether beautiful, my darling, beautiful in every way.
No matter what version you read, Song of Solomon 4:7 rings true every time.
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