Why I love who I am

So we are constantly attacked in this society, because we are not perfect. But who wants to be perfect anyway? Personally, I kind of like being different. And awkward. I'm mostly awkward...

So I decided to type up a list of reasons I love who I am. So here it goes!

I can laugh off my stupid moments
I don't really care what people think of me, especially guys
I am sarcastic
I know my identity in Christ
I have nice eyes
I have pretty decent skin
I never do much with my hair, and I love it. Because I'm not perfect. I like the thought of imperfection
I don't feel the need to put on makeup if I'm going out
I can win a burping contest against anyone
I'm not a princess. I like getting dirty if it's an adventure
I laugh. A lot.
I apparently have a talent of making people feel better
I don't have a lot of drama in my life. I've made it a point to let things like that go

So there's a small list of things I love about myself. Don't get me wrong, my list of things I don't like about myself is way longer. But I'm determined to block that out and find the good in myself.

You should do the same, because it changes your entire world!

Pretending is too hard

So I go through these bouts of depression. And I know what you're thinking. "You just get sad. It's not depression. Get over it." But it isn't just sadness. It's complete helplessness and hopelessness. Like I'm sinking into a dark hole. But it's okay because all I want is to be in the darkness and be overwhelmed by nothing. Like maybe if I build myself a gigantic blanket fort and climb in, no one will find me and I'll be in complete bliss. And I've never realized these feelings were considered depression until I got very close to someone who goes through it too. I had no idea.

But here I am in another one. 

My knee won't get better. It aches all the time, no matter what I take or do. And I push it when I think it's better and it makes it worse.

I hate long distance and having to say goodbye to my best friend for another week, sometimes more. I'm sure a lot more as time goes on. 

I caught a cold and I'm in bed, too exhausted too get up and go to class, but way too scared that I'm going to fail one of them so I tried to push myself so I could go. It didn't work.

That's my problem. I push and push and it makes my situation worse. And then I finally rest. A lot. And I finally let my mind relax. But when it relaxes, it hurts. It feels inadequate and helpless. 

So I try to sleep it off. Both the cold, my knee, and these feelings. Hopefully I can just sleep forever and never have to think or feel again. 

But there is someone next door on the phone for three hours, having a wonderful time talking to a friend. So wonderful that I can hear every word and laugh. And it makes me angry. 

Why should she be so happy and I can't? I physically and mentally can't get myself to be happy. 

It really is like I'm sinking into a dark hole. And sure, I know I'll get better. I always do. But when? And how? 

My smile doesn't work. My laugh doesn't work. My body doesn't work. 

Prayer is the only thing that works right now.