Pretending is too hard

So I go through these bouts of depression. And I know what you're thinking. "You just get sad. It's not depression. Get over it." But it isn't just sadness. It's complete helplessness and hopelessness. Like I'm sinking into a dark hole. But it's okay because all I want is to be in the darkness and be overwhelmed by nothing. Like maybe if I build myself a gigantic blanket fort and climb in, no one will find me and I'll be in complete bliss. And I've never realized these feelings were considered depression until I got very close to someone who goes through it too. I had no idea.

But here I am in another one. 

My knee won't get better. It aches all the time, no matter what I take or do. And I push it when I think it's better and it makes it worse.

I hate long distance and having to say goodbye to my best friend for another week, sometimes more. I'm sure a lot more as time goes on. 

I caught a cold and I'm in bed, too exhausted too get up and go to class, but way too scared that I'm going to fail one of them so I tried to push myself so I could go. It didn't work.

That's my problem. I push and push and it makes my situation worse. And then I finally rest. A lot. And I finally let my mind relax. But when it relaxes, it hurts. It feels inadequate and helpless. 

So I try to sleep it off. Both the cold, my knee, and these feelings. Hopefully I can just sleep forever and never have to think or feel again. 

But there is someone next door on the phone for three hours, having a wonderful time talking to a friend. So wonderful that I can hear every word and laugh. And it makes me angry. 

Why should she be so happy and I can't? I physically and mentally can't get myself to be happy. 

It really is like I'm sinking into a dark hole. And sure, I know I'll get better. I always do. But when? And how? 

My smile doesn't work. My laugh doesn't work. My body doesn't work. 

Prayer is the only thing that works right now.