Why I love who I am

So we are constantly attacked in this society, because we are not perfect. But who wants to be perfect anyway? Personally, I kind of like being different. And awkward. I'm mostly awkward...

So I decided to type up a list of reasons I love who I am. So here it goes!

I can laugh off my stupid moments
I don't really care what people think of me, especially guys
I am sarcastic
I know my identity in Christ
I have nice eyes
I have pretty decent skin
I never do much with my hair, and I love it. Because I'm not perfect. I like the thought of imperfection
I don't feel the need to put on makeup if I'm going out
I can win a burping contest against anyone
I'm not a princess. I like getting dirty if it's an adventure
I laugh. A lot.
I apparently have a talent of making people feel better
I don't have a lot of drama in my life. I've made it a point to let things like that go

So there's a small list of things I love about myself. Don't get me wrong, my list of things I don't like about myself is way longer. But I'm determined to block that out and find the good in myself.

You should do the same, because it changes your entire world!

Pretending is too hard

So I go through these bouts of depression. And I know what you're thinking. "You just get sad. It's not depression. Get over it." But it isn't just sadness. It's complete helplessness and hopelessness. Like I'm sinking into a dark hole. But it's okay because all I want is to be in the darkness and be overwhelmed by nothing. Like maybe if I build myself a gigantic blanket fort and climb in, no one will find me and I'll be in complete bliss. And I've never realized these feelings were considered depression until I got very close to someone who goes through it too. I had no idea.

But here I am in another one. 

My knee won't get better. It aches all the time, no matter what I take or do. And I push it when I think it's better and it makes it worse.

I hate long distance and having to say goodbye to my best friend for another week, sometimes more. I'm sure a lot more as time goes on. 

I caught a cold and I'm in bed, too exhausted too get up and go to class, but way too scared that I'm going to fail one of them so I tried to push myself so I could go. It didn't work.

That's my problem. I push and push and it makes my situation worse. And then I finally rest. A lot. And I finally let my mind relax. But when it relaxes, it hurts. It feels inadequate and helpless. 

So I try to sleep it off. Both the cold, my knee, and these feelings. Hopefully I can just sleep forever and never have to think or feel again. 

But there is someone next door on the phone for three hours, having a wonderful time talking to a friend. So wonderful that I can hear every word and laugh. And it makes me angry. 

Why should she be so happy and I can't? I physically and mentally can't get myself to be happy. 

It really is like I'm sinking into a dark hole. And sure, I know I'll get better. I always do. But when? And how? 

My smile doesn't work. My laugh doesn't work. My body doesn't work. 

Prayer is the only thing that works right now. 

A Post About a Really, Really Good Song and then I rambled...

Before you read this post, just remember I'm not married. These are just my opinions! I am 100% positive I have so much to learn about relationships!

I've seen so many articles regarding Christian marriage, or what to look for in a man/woman. All of them have valid points, and I've even shared a few on Facebook. What can I say? I agree with them. It's so important to find someone equally yoked and in love with God. But I found this song called The Wedding Song by Matthew Mole. It hit harder than any of those articles. The lyrics hit home. After you find a great person you want to spend your life with, check out this song. THIS is what we should be striving towards in relationships. I'm a huge believer in serious relationships. Honestly, you either get married or you break up. So if you can't see yourself and whoever you are interested in acting in this way, then maybe you should keep looking. (Wow. Preaching. My bad. But hey. I would know more than anyone else...)

I couldn't find the lyrics online (must be super hipster, huh), so I had to type them out myself!

Here we are, we've found the day like we'd always prayed
What I've seen the future bring to you and me one day
Hold onto this day, keep inside your heart such faith
We'll walk along the path God made

And our Father's spoken
And this life we've chosen
Will help us follow Your plan
And I can't profess that I understand it 
But I see me holding your hand

Heaven made your hand to compliment my hand
Like heaven made my heart to compliment your heart
Heaven gave you love to compliment my love
So one day we will love the way that God intended for us
Make these hearts entwine with Yours
Jesus lead the way
What we've seen, all that we've learned
Is built up to this day

And our Father's spoken
In this life we've chosen
Will help us follow Your plan
And I can't profess that I understand it 
But I see me holding your hand

Here we are, we found the day like we'd always prayed

Aren't those lyrics just incredible? It's so important to remember who comes first in relationships. Let me repeat. It's SO IMPORTANT to remember who comes FIRST in relationships. He's seriously the only thing that keeps Christian couples together for years. I've heard countless stories, including my own parents. If they didn't have Christ, they are sure they would have been divorced by now.
 If you truly keep Him first in your relationship, then your relationship will thrive.

Gosh, dating advice time.

Take time to get to know a person before you date them.
State your intentions right off the bat. It makes things so much easier (ha, relationships aren't easy)
Become true friends with them.
Again, DON'T RUSH IT. My thing is, if you're going to spend the rest of your life with this person, why would you rush things? You have your entire lives ahead of you! It also saves so much heartache if you realize they aren't the one for you.
Discuss your views on Christ and missions and the church. Whatever you're passionate about. It's so, so important to have similar views, otherwise they may drag you down.
Just remember that they are NOT the most important thing. GOD IS. Seriously.
If y'all break up and you focused on them more than Christ, then it'll do a lot of damage (I would know).

And trust me... I know how hard those things are. I've been experiencing the difficulties of it all of last semester and now this semester. But let me just say... I've never been more happy with the results. It's such an amazing blessing.

If God blesses you with the man of your dreams, then remember that He never blesses you just to bless you. He blesses you so you can bless others. Find a way to bless others!!

(Oh hey look I found a version that isn't live!)
The Wedding Song-Matthew Mole

Inadequate, Always

So I've gotten to the point where I love myself. Mostly.
Here's my next hurtle in the race.
My spirituality.
I know about 100 different girls personally that are so much more Godly than I am. They make it so obvious in their everyday lives that they're head over heels for Jesus. It makes me feel inadequate.
All these awesome Christian guys are looking for Godly girls. So why would one pick me? I'm nowhere near as great as those other girls.
I mean, someone has picked me. But why? I fail daily at my relationship with God. I rely on my own strength instead of God's. I go to friends first before God. I constantly let my thoughts run away from Godly things. So why would someone choose me?
That's what I'm working on this week. Feeling adequate and worthy of love.

How I Learned To Love Myself

I'm a really complicated person. I'm a mix between an introvert and an extrovert. I get super excited when I make plans to hang out with people, yet I could spend hours reading (Oh wait that's how I spent half of this week...). I go through weird phases where I either like my appearance or I constantly put myself down. I used to have a huge problem with my personality. I was embarrassed at my quirkiness and my lack of sophistication. I've finally gotten used to myself. All it took was finding friends who appreciated me exactly how I am.
Tonight, I was painting my face in preparation for a night out with some friends. I, like any other girl, have a love-hate relationship with makeup. Okay, mostly hate. It's awful. It's expensive, complicated to apply, and there's a fine line between natural and cake-face. Yet I still use it. Now, I am not someone who has to wear makeup. Often, I leave with not even ChapStick on (Note to Self: wear ChapStick). It's the last thing on my mind, especially during the school year. But it's a nice confidence booster! Back to the story...
I noticed yet another stress zit that was not there this morning. And wow was it awful. I'm talking three-coats-of-concealer, oh-great-now-its-just-a-gigantic-flesh-colored-bump-now awful. I always get them on or around my chin. So anytime I smile, everyone sees it. I smile a lot. Especially around new people. Anyway, I finished applying my makeup, complete with the powder that's a shade too dark for me (ghost problems...). I wore a huge sweater and scarf (no one knows I'm skinny. I love it! Shock and awe when I actually wear my size clothes) and my signature nubuck shoes and dark wash skinny jeans. Mix and match colors and you've legitimately pictured my entire wardrobe. I don't know, I just love to not have to take forever to decide on what I want . I'm one of those people who orders the same thing every time I buy food. I'm the same with clothes. That's just how I am. Anyway, I felt pretty good about my appearance.
We went to a restaurant, bowling, and a coffee shop. When we got to the coffee shop, it was packed and I just sort of retreated into my introvert shell, done with socializing for the evening. I get lost in my thoughts a lot. I'm sort of like Walter Mitty, except a girl.
I was in a huge group, most of them were strangers to me. Out of nowhere, a girl says to me, "I love your style!" I said "Thanks!" in that higher pitched voice I always unknowingly use with people I don't know. She went on to say, "You seem so comfortable with yourself!" I didn't really know what to say. I am always taken aback by real, sincere compliments. So I said "Thank you!" with a signature Claudia face (think Kermit the Frog when he's puzzled). It really sunk deep though. I thought about her words in the depths of my introvert-shell and realized she was right. A complete stranger told me something about myself that I had yet to realize! (I see You, God. I see You.)
I got back to my dorm room and read the rest of my book, like the nerd that I am. I always feel weird after I finish an awesome book. Like, how will I go on with my life? That story was 100 times better than my entire life and probably thoughts combined! So, I was in that weird state as I tidied up my room and got ready for bed. I was putting on my pajamas when I realized something. I'm in awesome shape. I have awesome runner legs. I have a fairly flat stomach. I have muffins, but I like them. Usually. I went over to the sink to take off my makeup. I looked in the mirror before I did and saw beauty. That's a rare sight to see. But not the type of "wow look at how hot she looks" beauty. True beauty. Like Christ shining through me. It was weird and crazy and awesome. I shook it off, feeling vain. I took off my makeup and looked again. But this time, I felt no different. I saw the same true beauty. Stress zits, heavy eye bags, and all. Now that is a rare sight to see.

And now as always, this is where I end my post with a ridiculous summary of what I meant to say in the first place.

I realized a lot about myself tonight.
1. I'm a really laid back, quiet person. I'd rather hear what others have to say than have others hear about me.
2. I love myself. I'm actually really cool (Well, at least I think I am). By cool I mean, weird, quirky, odd, strange. Along those lines. It's my favorite thing about myself.
3. I'm not fat and I am perfect just the way I am.
4. Everyone has zits and I'm no exception, no matter how clear my complexion is.
5. I love love love making others happy. I feed off that happiness. By making them happy, I make myself happy.

In conclusion, there's a huge difference between loving yourself and being in love with yourself. I think I finally have figured it out! And it's a wonderful feeling.

You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you. 

You are absolutely beautiful, my darling, with no imperfection in you. 

You are altogether beautiful, my darling, beautiful in every way.

No matter what version you read, Song of Solomon 4:7 rings true every time.

What Am I Even Doing

So I'm sure every college kid goes through that awful time of wondering why in the world they're majoring in what they are, and today is one of those many times for me. I can sing. I know that. And I think I've gained a sense of entitlement. Sure, last semester was hard, but I made it through with a great GPA. I think I just remembered the great parts of last semester and not the awful parts. So. I can sing. So what? Can I read music? Sort of. Can I easily sing in other languages? Not under pressure. Can I play piano? I don't know, you travel back to my last class and tell me if I even played one note right. It's like everyone is 100 times better than me. Even the other freshman. And man, if that isn't a slap in the face, I don't know what is. Truth is, I feel awful. Absolutely degraded, worthless, and dumb. Because everyone understands the music language and I'm just that tourist snapping pictures and smiling and nodding. What am I even doing here? I'm just a singer and no matter how hard I try, I can't get better than that. It's like I'm in stand still traffic, but all the other cars are just my insecurities and doubts in my way. I'm well aware the problem here. It's my attitude. But jeez, it's just really hard to have a good outlook today.

Honestly, I'm Dumbfounded

I'm usually a really upfront person. I don't sugarcoat things. Usually, it's not on purpose. I don't have a very good filter. But that last post? I never told anyone about that, and I decided to go on a limb and write a post about it. To the whole world.

Let me define the whole world. Almost 100% of the time, the only people who read my posts are other Christian college bloggers and my parents. I can legitimately count everyone on one hand and have fingers left over.

So that's why all of the publicity on my last post leaves me dumbfounded. I got nearly 300 views, 4 shares, and 22 likes on Facebook. Okay, that might be nothing to some people, but to put it into perspective, the runner up for most popular post was 51 views, 0 shares, and 2 likes on Facebook.

I never realized how opening myself up to people could bring so much support and love. I've always assumed it'd bring judgement and hatred. Because, honestly, that's what most of my life has been like. The people who've surrounded me for the past 18 years have acted that way when I'd share a struggle. And you know what I realized? I was surrounding myself with the wrong people. And it was awful. I had no one.

And now here I am, with hundreds of views and countless people messaging me with support and encouragement. I'm so good at swallowing my feelings and emotions, but here I am on the verge of tears. Happy tears.

Because of all these amazing people in my life (that's means you!), I am finding even more worth in myself.

You guys are amazing!