17 days until I drive to Russellville and only come home when I can get a ride (being carless is super fun. That's not a spelling error.)
So I've been trying to sort out my feelings, because they're all pretty jumbled up.
Pros:
Living in a dorm
Independence, sort of
Connecting with people easier due to on campus
Finding out how to deal with responsibilities and stress but still rely on God
A program I love with people who love each other
Happiness
Cons:
Cafeteria food
I have to get a debit card....... cash > electronic money
Leaving an amazing, God-fearing man (guess who)
Long distance with said man
Can't borrow my mom's car anymore
Flat campus means I have to exercise even more than I do now
Finding God fearing girlfriends
Fitting in
Living without parents, even though it'll be great sometimes
Keeping an even higher GPA in order to keep scholarships
Blah, blah, blah.
I'm so excited for adventures to the lake near campus. And hiking. And running. And yoga-ing. And being independent and thriving.
I'm so scared for my relationship with God. And relationship with said man. But if I focus on the first one, it'll all be okay.
I'm so nervous of gaining back all that weight I lost. And not getting along with my roommate. And not finding true friends. And not managing money well since I'll have a bunch in the same place. On a plastic card. Right at my fingertips.
Haha, wow that didn't help at all. I'm still confused on how I feel.
Thursday, December 26, 2013
Monday, December 23, 2013
A Change of Heart
(I was 4 at the time, so I honestly don't know all the details. Bare with me.)
When we were younger, my brother did something that put him in a juvenile facility for years and it directly affected me. But, of course, it took a toll on all of us. I never really understood what was happening. I was too young. But I knew that our family wasn't the same.
I forgave my brother REALLY easily. And I'm sure that has to do with how young and naïve I was. No one else seemed to forgive him like I did.
Even though I had "forgiven" him, it wasn't until this summer that I truly let go of everything that happened. It was as if I had forgotten about the whole situation, yet I was just always, always annoyed and angry at him. Anything he did bothered me.
In the 5 weeks in Honduras this summer, my world got turned completely upside down and my heart shattered and was rebuilt by God. It was the greatest and hardest thing that's happened to me.
Because of all of the things my brother was going through, my family and I were CONVINCED he wouldn't be the first to marry. We were sure my sister would get married first, because well...she's my sister. She's amazing. Always has been, always will be.
But a crazy thing happened. My brother decided to go to a Discipleship Training School in Montana.
Let's take a second to laugh at myself because I was unhappy about this. He just out of nowhere decided to do this. I was actually annoyed at him because a DTS was MY plan. I had it in my head that he stole that from me. HA! I think everyone should do a DTS. If it wasn't for this DTS, he wouldn't have opened the door to the most wonderful thing in his life!
Anyway, he was in Montana for three months, I believe, and then went to Thailand for three months. In Thailand, he met the most amazing girl who was part of a different organization. We all thought he was crazy, because he proposed early in the relationship. They got married pretty quickly, but we all knew the second we met her that she was the perfect fit for him. They are wonderful. This in and of itself is a miracle and I'm so stinkin' happy!
And as if that wasn't enough, they've been married for a little shy of two months and there's a little one on the way! No words to describe my excitement.
It's just so insane to me how God can change peoples' lives around. It's amazing to witness!
As y'all know, I'm an awful writer, but this whole post goes to show that people can change.
Case 1- me.
Case 2- my brother.
And as for my sister? She's getting married now too! To the most wonderful guy.
Ah, my heart is so happy! Hugs and smiles all around!
....except I'm going to be an aunt.... I'm too young for that, right? uh....
When we were younger, my brother did something that put him in a juvenile facility for years and it directly affected me. But, of course, it took a toll on all of us. I never really understood what was happening. I was too young. But I knew that our family wasn't the same.
I forgave my brother REALLY easily. And I'm sure that has to do with how young and naïve I was. No one else seemed to forgive him like I did.
Even though I had "forgiven" him, it wasn't until this summer that I truly let go of everything that happened. It was as if I had forgotten about the whole situation, yet I was just always, always annoyed and angry at him. Anything he did bothered me.
In the 5 weeks in Honduras this summer, my world got turned completely upside down and my heart shattered and was rebuilt by God. It was the greatest and hardest thing that's happened to me.
Because of all of the things my brother was going through, my family and I were CONVINCED he wouldn't be the first to marry. We were sure my sister would get married first, because well...she's my sister. She's amazing. Always has been, always will be.
But a crazy thing happened. My brother decided to go to a Discipleship Training School in Montana.
Let's take a second to laugh at myself because I was unhappy about this. He just out of nowhere decided to do this. I was actually annoyed at him because a DTS was MY plan. I had it in my head that he stole that from me. HA! I think everyone should do a DTS. If it wasn't for this DTS, he wouldn't have opened the door to the most wonderful thing in his life!
Anyway, he was in Montana for three months, I believe, and then went to Thailand for three months. In Thailand, he met the most amazing girl who was part of a different organization. We all thought he was crazy, because he proposed early in the relationship. They got married pretty quickly, but we all knew the second we met her that she was the perfect fit for him. They are wonderful. This in and of itself is a miracle and I'm so stinkin' happy!
And as if that wasn't enough, they've been married for a little shy of two months and there's a little one on the way! No words to describe my excitement.
It's just so insane to me how God can change peoples' lives around. It's amazing to witness!
As y'all know, I'm an awful writer, but this whole post goes to show that people can change.
Case 1- me.
Case 2- my brother.
And as for my sister? She's getting married now too! To the most wonderful guy.
Ah, my heart is so happy! Hugs and smiles all around!
....except I'm going to be an aunt.... I'm too young for that, right? uh....
Saturday, December 14, 2013
I Have A Problem
So here's my problem:
I meet someone, girl or guy. I get really close to them. I get rejected in some way. I still want to let them in...but then I barricade my heart and I shut them out.
I'm so afraid of getting hurt. And because of that, I hurt everyone. And it really bothers me. And I don't know how to fix it.
So I'm laying here in bed wondering, "How am I going to fix this?" I have perfectly amazing people in my life and I shut them out because I'm scared.
I can hear God saying, "So what are you going to do about it? You can't keep running away." And all I can do is tear up and reply, "I don't know" over and over again.
I hate showing my true feelings. Half the time, I won't smile at something funny because I hate cheesy, happy moments. What kind of person am I? A weird one. I don't know.
Gosh, I don't even know why I do this. I guess I just always want to be tough and strong. But in the end I just end up hurting myself!
So here's a simple start:
I'm going to smile at every happy thing. I'm going to not let rejection hurt my heart. I'm going to finally let Jesus heal my heart from all the pain I've been carrying for my entire life. I'm going to let people in. I'm going to feel my emotions and not let my doubts dictate my life. Because I deserve to be happy.
It's my New Years Resolution...two and a half weeks early.
I meet someone, girl or guy. I get really close to them. I get rejected in some way. I still want to let them in...but then I barricade my heart and I shut them out.
I'm so afraid of getting hurt. And because of that, I hurt everyone. And it really bothers me. And I don't know how to fix it.
So I'm laying here in bed wondering, "How am I going to fix this?" I have perfectly amazing people in my life and I shut them out because I'm scared.
I can hear God saying, "So what are you going to do about it? You can't keep running away." And all I can do is tear up and reply, "I don't know" over and over again.
I hate showing my true feelings. Half the time, I won't smile at something funny because I hate cheesy, happy moments. What kind of person am I? A weird one. I don't know.
Gosh, I don't even know why I do this. I guess I just always want to be tough and strong. But in the end I just end up hurting myself!
So here's a simple start:
I'm going to smile at every happy thing. I'm going to not let rejection hurt my heart. I'm going to finally let Jesus heal my heart from all the pain I've been carrying for my entire life. I'm going to let people in. I'm going to feel my emotions and not let my doubts dictate my life. Because I deserve to be happy.
It's my New Years Resolution...two and a half weeks early.
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