I Have A Problem

So here's my problem:
I meet someone, girl or guy. I get really close to them. I get rejected in some way. I still want to let them in...but then I barricade my heart and I shut them out.

I'm so afraid of getting hurt. And because of that, I hurt everyone. And it really bothers me. And I don't know how to fix it.

So I'm laying here in bed wondering, "How am I going to fix this?" I have perfectly amazing people in my life and I shut them out because I'm scared.

I can hear God saying, "So what are you going to do about it? You can't keep running away." And all I can do is tear up and reply, "I don't know" over and over again.

I hate showing my true feelings. Half the time, I won't smile at something funny because I hate cheesy, happy moments. What kind of person am I? A weird one. I don't know.

Gosh, I don't even know why I do this. I guess I just always want to be tough and strong. But in the end I just end up hurting myself!

So here's a simple start:
I'm going to smile at every happy thing. I'm going to not let rejection hurt my heart. I'm going to finally let Jesus heal my heart from all the pain I've been carrying for my entire life. I'm going to let people in. I'm going to feel my emotions and not let my doubts dictate my life. Because I deserve to be happy.

It's my New Years Resolution...two and a half weeks early.